Hitchcock Knows Best

As per usual, I'd like to begin today with a letter to September:

Dear September,

I am so glad this is the last day of you. You have done nothing but disappoint me and play mind games. Are you bipolar or something? You're hot then you're cold.

You're yes and you're no. I can't figure you out.

Maybe next year, if you change, we can reexamine our relationship. For now, you are dead to me.

xoxo,
Kaitlin



Why would I break up with September in such a public arena?

Because it's approximately 9000 degrees outside even though HEB started selling pumpkins already. And even though the weather is not getting in the mood for fall, fate and irony certainly are. More specifically, in the mood for Halloween.

When I was walking back from the gym, I started to get really uncomfortable as I heard the unmistakable screech of a flock of blackbirds hidden among the trees.

Now, internet, it may be too early in our relationship to divulge this tidbit, but I'm going to go there:

I'm afraid of birds. That's ornithophobia for all you academic types. Why yes, I did just google fear of birds to get that word! I haven't been formally diagnosed by a psychiatrist, although many would argue I should consult one. For several reasons, such as that I was late to the gym today because I had to step on every leaf in my path, on the offchance it would give that satisfying crunch...

Anyway, back to my ornithophobia. Because this is a rare (and stupid) condition, I will elaborate on my symptoms. No, really, I want to.

I am not afraid of small birds like little swallows and sparrows and whatnot. I'm not going to e their best friend, but I'm not afraid of them. The exception is the hummingbird, because I fear I will hear a rustling and in the next instant, a sharp, needle-like beak will peirce my eardrum and the hummingbird will suck my brains out like that sweet nectar.

I am nothing if not realistic.

I am comforted by the thought that I could probably thump a hummingbird away before it could lacerate my eardrum. Anyway, I'm really just afraid of big birds. Not to be confused with Big Bird. He's cool.

When I hear a bird chirp or call or squeal or screech I get goosebumps on the back of my neck. And then I start to be really afraid that the bird will attack me. I JUST KNOW that the evil bird will peck either my eardrum (again with the ears...) or the little nob at the base of your neck in the back. Like where your spine starts. It's irrational, it's terrible, it makes me walk crazier than when I step on every leaf.

So I was walking home and there was literally a FLOCK of birds in the trees on the side of the street I was on. I am not ashamed to say that I stepped in front of a car to get out of the war path.

Birds have flown into my head/face multiple times. This is not completely unfounded.

And no, I have not seen The Birds and I NEVER will. Why would I willingly submerge myself in my deepest fear without professional aid? The original Psycho scared me to death and Rear Window used to creep me out when I was younger. Hitchcock knows how to scare me WITHOUT my greatest fear.

So, yes, that is the only Hitchcock I will never see.