Just like Ye Olde Housewife

I wish I had a windowsill upon which to cool my pie.

Except I made cheesecake and not a pie.

And is it just me, or is windowsill a really weird word?

In other recent news, I am just ready to curl up with some new beauty products, slather on some lovin', get in my pajamas and call it a life. This week has plumb wore me out. So much so that my East Texan is coming out of hiding. Although I've only lived in South and Central Texas and don't so much have an accent...

The point of that delightful (is your eyebrow cocked in skepticism? Mine too.) anecdote was to tell you that this is kind of going to be a cop-out post. Which will actually please some of you, because it will be way more informative than my posts usually are. Unless you count an inordinate amount of injuries, illnesses, and freak accidents like simulated face herpes. Which, who does?

So without further ado, I give you The Pumpkin Cheesecake to end all pumpkin cheesecakes. It's a Paula Deen recipe, ya'll, so you know it's good. I refer to her as the Patron Saint of Dessert.

Step 1: Combine all things sinful and mash them down into a crust. Add more butter if you're feeling footloose and fancy free or if your pants feel loose.


Step 2: Get frustrated that the cream cheese isn't beating smooth even though it's ROOM TEMPERATURE and add the pumpkin puree anyway. Try not to think about what it looks like. Also do not taste this. Cream cheese and pumpkin do not a pumpkin cheesecake make.



Step 3: Get excited when it beats smooth because you did things like add eggs and sour cream. Get disappointed when it still doesn't taste good.

Step 4: Add a bunch of dry ingredients and helpful things like sugar.

Step 5: Mix it all together. With love.

Step 6: Get excited when it looks good when you pour it into your new springform pan.
Step 7: Pop the sucker in the oven for an hour. Notice your oven door looks like something out of a horror film.


Step 8: Admire the baked cheesecake that didn't crack! Let it cool in the oven for longer than you think it should take.Step 9: After letting it cool, take the cheesecake out of the oven at 3:17. A.M. This adds a certain flavor that can't be recreated when normal people walk the earth.

Step 10: Go to bed at 4:15 A.M. because the sucker is still not cool enough to go in the fridge. Set your alarm for 4:45 A.M. And cry.

Step 11: Wake up in a stupor and get out the plastic wrap. Remember to take photographs. Fail to notice if they're blurry.

Step 12: Drop the plastic wrap in your perfect cheesecake. Smear its uncracked, unmarred surface.

Step 13: Cry. Throw the offending wrap haphazardly over your shoulder. Decide to let the cheesecake go uncovered because Fridge is another one of those elusive 3 A.M. flavors that can only be harvested by fluorescent light while wearing dirty glasses and a frown.

Step 14: Put the cheesecake in the refridgerator and vow to cover the scraped part with homemade caramel and cinnamon whipped cream.

Step 15: Turn around and see what you've done to your kitchen. Cry.



Step 15: Stumble into bed at 5:00 A.M. Crying optional.


Here's the recipe. It really is worth the heartache.

Ingredients

Crust:

• 1 3/4 cups graham cracker crumbs
• 3 tablespoons light brown sugar
• 1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon
• 1 stick melted salted butter

Filling:

• 3 (8-ounce) packages cream cheese, at room temperature
• 1 (15-ounce) can pureed pumpkin
• 3 eggs plus 1 egg yolk
• 1/4 cup sour cream
• 1 1/2 cups sugar
• 1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon
• 1/8 teaspoon fresh ground nutmeg
• 1/8 teaspoon ground cloves
• 2 tablespoon all-purpose flour
• 1 teaspoon vanilla extract

Directions

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.

For crust:

In medium bowl, combine crumbs, sugar and cinnamon. Add melted butter. Press down flat into a 9-inch springform pan. Set aside.

For filling:

Beat cream cheese until smooth. Add pumpkin puree, eggs, egg yolk, sour cream, sugar and the spices. Add flour and vanilla. Beat together until well combined.

Pour into crust. Spread out evenly and place oven for 1 hour. Remove from the oven and let sit for 15 minutes. Cover with plastic wrap and refrigerate for 4 hours.

And Yea, though I walk through the valley of F, I will fear no D-

I am a terrible student.

This wasn't always the case. Somewhere between high school and college I realized hey! no supervision! No one knows if I don't study! No one knows if I don't go to class! and I became lazy.

Not only lazy, but complacent. By the grace of God, and the grace of God alone, I assure you, I have been able to achieve a slightly better-than-average GPA.

I can't count the number of understanding professors, the test questions that spring from the one page of notes I happened to glance over, the essay prompts that I was able to research ahead of time without having to go to class.

But I realized, enough is enough. What's the point in stressing myself out when I'm cramming or waiting for a test to begin, or WORSE, waiting for a test to be returned? If I would just budget my time a little better, I would have more time to do everything I am supposed to do and everything I want to do. I might even have time to, you know, bring glory and praise to the Lord.

So that's what I'm going to try to do.

So help me, God. Even though He already has.

Curiouser and Curiouser

Today's post will be a random listing of oddities I observed in a time-span of approximately 30 minutes and 2 blocks. Mostly because this heat has rendered me lazy and uninspired (not that I'm complaining, mind you). And also because I, like most decent Americans, enjoy a good list.

1) Two women climbing out of a pick-up that were the QUEENS of Trailer Park, USA. They had the biggest, most peroxide-laden hair I've seen outside of television and the 80s. One had on a bright turquoise jumpsuit, a gold lamé purse and matching turquoise and gold bangles. And turquoise eyeshadow, of course. I initially thought this woman's hair was a wig.
It looked like this:


Except it was the distinct color of bottled Malfoy hair.

2) I was eating a delicious breakfast croissant at Jack in the Box and I watched as one by one, a small congregation of Latina women and their toddlers gathered. Not so strange. What offended my sensibilities, however, is the language one of the women was using. Multiple f-bombs, sh!ts, etc. were said in front of (and to!) children ages 2-4.

I accidentally made eye contact with one of them (they were across the restaurant, by the way, and I still heard every word) so I left.

3) At 7/11 I saw the new issue of Glamour. Scarlett Johansson is on the cover. She is not wearing pants. I find not wearing pants to be many things, but glamorous is not one of them.

It was like something out of the "The Exorcist"

October is shaping up to be a saucy wench. It's a cool 76 degrees (but feels like 79 degrees, according to Yahoo! weather). That's just sacrilegious! I'll give October a couple more days, because it's still the first half of the month. It has two days to get its act together.

Although, considering the events of the last 24 hours, it might be in my favor to cease making threats toward October.

Last night I was coughing and felt something come up (like a snot-ball), but much to my horror, when I spit it into a kleenex, I saw blood.

Blood. I coughed up BLOOD. And then I did it again. It was the scariest thing that's ever happened to me, other than almost being the target of a child predator in Taco Cabana while I was in high school. But I digress.

First I thought: "OHMYGOD!!!!!" Then I thought: "I wonder if I have Consumption, like in Moulin Rouge."

But then I realized that I'm not in the midst of a passionate love affair to be written about in the history books, or, you know, to be the subject of a smash Baz Luhrman film. So Consumption was clearly out of the picture.

After some sweet internet sleuthing on WebMD I was all CANCER! WHOOPING COUGH! TUBERCULOSIS! COLLAPSED LUNG WITH A SIDE OF AIDS! So I called the 24-hour UHS nurse advice line.

They are dead to me. Not helpful at all. They basically said, "Well, you probably won't die, so just call General Medicine D in the morning."

By that time, I knew that I most likely just had Hemoptysis (coughing up blood) due to a broken blood vessel brought about by a particularly harsh coughing spell. I presented my theory to General Medicine D and they agreed with me, though I had to spend the day checking my snot-balls for blood and taking my temperature.

What an appropriate start to the Halloween season. And clearly a reason I shouldn't threaten October on my blog anymore...

Heavier Fare

I clearly scared October into submission with my last post. It's now a jolly 65 degrees here. I assume the temperatures will continue to drop.

...Or else.

I'm going to be back to regular posting starting today, so be prepared. I am feeling a LOT better, though I still have a lingering cough that just won't die and I get tired pretty easily. Not that these things stopped me from attending opening weekend at the Texas Renaissance Festival with my friends Kristen and Patricia. It was epic. We had so much fun and had this ginormous photo shoot in the middle of the garden/forest walkway. And people kept stopping us asking to take our picture because we were that legit and beautiful.

I'm going to spare you the rambling post where I lament the fact that I wasn't born in another time. Be thankful.

When I got back to Austin today, I laid down on my couch, turned on the television, and took a 3.5 hour nap. No big deal, except that my screening for one of my classes starts at 5 and I woke up at 6:12. Whoops.

I went online a little while ago, to look at my French assignments, and lo and behold, I discovered that our screening for tonight had been canceled! I was immediately overcome with humbleness and I was awed by the fact at how perfectly each action fits into God's plan for us. I needed that nap, to ensure I stay healthy and to keep my mind sharp as I start to study. I also needed to go to the screening that didn't happen because I need to keep my grade up and to stay current on the topics we discuss in class.

I am astounded and blessed that my day turned out this way. I love getting reminders of how deep and how gracious is the Father's love for me, a fact I sadly am quick to forget or to dismiss.

We are singing a song in choir based off of Psalm 23 and I am currently obsessed with this verse.

Psalm 23

¹The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.

²He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.

³He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.

⁴Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

⁵Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.

⁶Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever.

These are some other versus that speak of and remind us of the love that God has for us, his children:

Your love, O LORD, reaches to the heavens, your faithfulness to the skies (Psalm 36:5).

How priceless is your unfailing love! Both high and low among men find refuge in the shadow of your wings (Psalm 36:7).

But I am like an olive tree flourishing in the house of God; I trust in God's unfailing love for ever and ever (Psalm 52:8).

But you, O Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness (Psalm 86:15).

Give thanks to the God of heaven. His love endures forever (Psalm 136:26).

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" (Jeremiah 29:11).

The LORD appeared to us in the past, saying: "I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness" (Jeremiah 31:3).

The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing" (Zephaniah 3:17).

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life (John 3:16).

Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends (John 15:13).

As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love (John 15:9)



**P.S. sorry for the formatting issues, Blogger will not give me uniform fonts no matter how many times I try to change it.

Once there was the Sun, shining bright and wonderful.

Why yes, that was a quote from the 1994 classic Thumbelina.

In the category of "Other (un)Interesting Tidbits and Factoids": I went outside today. How come nobody told me it was 9000000 degrees outside?

I will having a few choice words with October when I no longer laugh to myself because I just pictured myself rolling like a little ball all over my apartment.

You will be soon enough. Bring out your dead!

Now that I have Swine Flu, a whole new set of etiquette questions arise.

If I hold my breath and walk really fast, is it appropriate to take out my trash? I have leftover microwave Mexican casserole to dispose of, people.

Is it appropriate to go on my balcony to try and absorb some vitamin D so that my only source of happiness isn't Big Mama?

Can I check my mail?

Is it acceptable that I haven't changed my clothes in three days?

Should I get angry if my friends don't take my Tamiflu rants seriously?

Is it okay to facebook stalk all my friends for 12+ hours a day?

The answer to all of these is no. No, these things are not okay.

And in other H1N1 news, I took my cough medicine last night. I didn't take it Monday night, when I got it, because I was so busy coughing up phlegm that I thought if something where to surpress my coughs then I would drown in un-coughed mucous.

Anyway, my coughing has decreased seven-fold today so I decided it was time to take the cough medicine. I poured it into the teaspoon and got nervous. It was the consistency of honey and the color of lemon-lime gatorade, the ONE flavor I detest above all non-juice flavored drinks.

I might have held my nose and said, "Ew, ew, ew, ewwwwww!"

Might have.

But you know what? It actually wasn't bad. Because, hello, I'm not four anymore and I've tasted things like 100 proof vodka. Which, coincidentally enough, might also cure swine flu. It is that potent.

The best thing about the cough medicine was how smoooooooooth it went down my sore, scratchy throat. Heaven in a little bottle. Unfortunately I forgot that everytime I bend over I cough up a snot-ball, so when I plugged in my phone for the night I spent the next 5 minutes trying to cough up THE TINIEST SNOT-BALL I HAVE EVER SEEN. And I've seen some tiny ones.

It was literally half the size of my pinky nail. And the smaller they are, the harder they are to get out. And if I don't get them out, I keep coughing and coughing until I'm crying and gagging and red in the face with this horrible, gurgling cough that quite literally sounds like something more appropriate for a 98 year old with terminal lung cancer. And the cough is so loud that I feel like everyone in my apartment complex can hear me, because hello, if I can hear you singing a terrible rendition of Kings of Leon's Somebody then you should be able to hear me hacking up snot-balls.

All this Swine Flu business is so glamorous. I went on to cough up 2 more tiny snot-balls at 4:30 in the morning last night. Because all I do is sleep in random 4-5 hour bursts, so I was awake at this time. And boy, oh, boy do I miss the days when the snot-balls were the size of quarters and took only one great, hacking cough to expel!

Is this too graphic for the internet? I'm sorry. I'm just trying to bring this illness to light. I mean, it's barely getting any media coverage. No one has even heard of it!

But hey! At least I'm one degree closer to Rupert Grint! <3

Bring out your dead! (I'm not dead yet!)

So I know some of you (-4) were worrying about me since I haven't posted since last week. You probably thought that I actually died of fright from seeing Paranormal Activity. Nope.

I have Swine Flu.

Thus I have spent the last 30 hours doped up on Mucinex DM, Tamiflu, Advil, and the inhaler for my bronchitis. Because H1N1 is not enough for this girl, no way, I need bronchitis to seal the deal!

What has this drug cocktail done for me?

I am less congested, and I have stopped coughing up snot-balls (Mmmmm), but more importantly, it's treated me to these daydreams/hallucinations/fever-dreams:

1)My high school geography teacher (who is young and fabulous and still my friend), my friend and I going on a cruise. On said cruise I fell and skinned my knee (sound familiar?) and my teacher helped me pick the scab.

2) I was on a TV show with Dick Van Dyke called Diagnosis: Swine Flu! The opening credits were terrifying.

3) Crocs were attacking me. The shoes, not the reptiles.

Back to regular posting when I can breathe sans labor again and when I can leave self-quarantine.

EDIT: And ALSO to assume that THE ONLY THING THAT COULD POSSIBLY TASTE GOOD is microwavable Mexican Casserole...

I was wrong.

Is Tamiflu supposed to make me crave mexican casserole, garlic bread, corn bread, orange sherbert and strawberries (not all at once)?

EDIT 2: I regret spending $100+ for a weekend where I would be frightened to death and get swine flu on someone who thinks it's FUNNY that I'm dieing. Dying. In the process of meeting death.

That means you, Jeremy.

EDIT 3: I regret saying that, that was mean. We should all find humor in every situation.

And now I'm going to go back to bed before this post gets me forever quarantined because I'm that annoying.

The L-Files: Mysterious Laundry Happenings

Why is it, dear Internet, that no matter how many I buy, I NEVER have enough hangers? Come laundry day (which, to be frank, comes about once every 1.5 months, because I have an inordinate amount of clothing) I am always left scrounging around, looking for hangers. Although I do shop a lot, I just don't think that my shopping to hanger ratio is so disproportionate.

Maybe my closet eats them.

No, that's irrational. Closets can't eat!! Maybe there's a vortex IN my closet that sucks empty hangers inside itself and then turns them into dust and blows the dust all over my shelves. That would explain so much.

And in other unsettling laundry occurrences, I've been losing a LOT of socks lately. Stupid dryer vortex. Apparently my apartment is a right cosmic center for quasars and other intergalactic phenomena.

AND (oh, yes, there's more) this is the most disturbing thing of all: Today I put my bras in one of those little mesh bra bags (so the hooks don't snag your other clothes, of course). I remember for sure that I put them in the bag, because I set it aside and forgot about it. I loaded in my other delicates and started the washing machine. Then I turned around and saw the mesh bag, so I threw it in with the rest of the load.

When the wash cycle was done, I loaded the dryer handful by handful (because my washing machine won't stay open due to poor shelf planning by the apartment complex) and I suddenly noticed that a bra was in my hand. One I DEFINITELY had in the mesh bag because it is my 'spensive and fansssy brassiere.

The bag was nowhere to be found. NOWHERE.

Unless it's in the dryer. I got tired of bending over, so I gave up my search pretty early.

But still, CREEPY. Cue Twilight Zone theme song.