You will be soon enough. Bring out your dead!

Now that I have Swine Flu, a whole new set of etiquette questions arise.

If I hold my breath and walk really fast, is it appropriate to take out my trash? I have leftover microwave Mexican casserole to dispose of, people.

Is it appropriate to go on my balcony to try and absorb some vitamin D so that my only source of happiness isn't Big Mama?

Can I check my mail?

Is it acceptable that I haven't changed my clothes in three days?

Should I get angry if my friends don't take my Tamiflu rants seriously?

Is it okay to facebook stalk all my friends for 12+ hours a day?

The answer to all of these is no. No, these things are not okay.

And in other H1N1 news, I took my cough medicine last night. I didn't take it Monday night, when I got it, because I was so busy coughing up phlegm that I thought if something where to surpress my coughs then I would drown in un-coughed mucous.

Anyway, my coughing has decreased seven-fold today so I decided it was time to take the cough medicine. I poured it into the teaspoon and got nervous. It was the consistency of honey and the color of lemon-lime gatorade, the ONE flavor I detest above all non-juice flavored drinks.

I might have held my nose and said, "Ew, ew, ew, ewwwwww!"

Might have.

But you know what? It actually wasn't bad. Because, hello, I'm not four anymore and I've tasted things like 100 proof vodka. Which, coincidentally enough, might also cure swine flu. It is that potent.

The best thing about the cough medicine was how smoooooooooth it went down my sore, scratchy throat. Heaven in a little bottle. Unfortunately I forgot that everytime I bend over I cough up a snot-ball, so when I plugged in my phone for the night I spent the next 5 minutes trying to cough up THE TINIEST SNOT-BALL I HAVE EVER SEEN. And I've seen some tiny ones.

It was literally half the size of my pinky nail. And the smaller they are, the harder they are to get out. And if I don't get them out, I keep coughing and coughing until I'm crying and gagging and red in the face with this horrible, gurgling cough that quite literally sounds like something more appropriate for a 98 year old with terminal lung cancer. And the cough is so loud that I feel like everyone in my apartment complex can hear me, because hello, if I can hear you singing a terrible rendition of Kings of Leon's Somebody then you should be able to hear me hacking up snot-balls.

All this Swine Flu business is so glamorous. I went on to cough up 2 more tiny snot-balls at 4:30 in the morning last night. Because all I do is sleep in random 4-5 hour bursts, so I was awake at this time. And boy, oh, boy do I miss the days when the snot-balls were the size of quarters and took only one great, hacking cough to expel!

Is this too graphic for the internet? I'm sorry. I'm just trying to bring this illness to light. I mean, it's barely getting any media coverage. No one has even heard of it!

But hey! At least I'm one degree closer to Rupert Grint! <3