Hitchcock Knows Best

As per usual, I'd like to begin today with a letter to September:

Dear September,

I am so glad this is the last day of you. You have done nothing but disappoint me and play mind games. Are you bipolar or something? You're hot then you're cold.

You're yes and you're no. I can't figure you out.

Maybe next year, if you change, we can reexamine our relationship. For now, you are dead to me.

xoxo,
Kaitlin



Why would I break up with September in such a public arena?

Because it's approximately 9000 degrees outside even though HEB started selling pumpkins already. And even though the weather is not getting in the mood for fall, fate and irony certainly are. More specifically, in the mood for Halloween.

When I was walking back from the gym, I started to get really uncomfortable as I heard the unmistakable screech of a flock of blackbirds hidden among the trees.

Now, internet, it may be too early in our relationship to divulge this tidbit, but I'm going to go there:

I'm afraid of birds. That's ornithophobia for all you academic types. Why yes, I did just google fear of birds to get that word! I haven't been formally diagnosed by a psychiatrist, although many would argue I should consult one. For several reasons, such as that I was late to the gym today because I had to step on every leaf in my path, on the offchance it would give that satisfying crunch...

Anyway, back to my ornithophobia. Because this is a rare (and stupid) condition, I will elaborate on my symptoms. No, really, I want to.

I am not afraid of small birds like little swallows and sparrows and whatnot. I'm not going to e their best friend, but I'm not afraid of them. The exception is the hummingbird, because I fear I will hear a rustling and in the next instant, a sharp, needle-like beak will peirce my eardrum and the hummingbird will suck my brains out like that sweet nectar.

I am nothing if not realistic.

I am comforted by the thought that I could probably thump a hummingbird away before it could lacerate my eardrum. Anyway, I'm really just afraid of big birds. Not to be confused with Big Bird. He's cool.

When I hear a bird chirp or call or squeal or screech I get goosebumps on the back of my neck. And then I start to be really afraid that the bird will attack me. I JUST KNOW that the evil bird will peck either my eardrum (again with the ears...) or the little nob at the base of your neck in the back. Like where your spine starts. It's irrational, it's terrible, it makes me walk crazier than when I step on every leaf.

So I was walking home and there was literally a FLOCK of birds in the trees on the side of the street I was on. I am not ashamed to say that I stepped in front of a car to get out of the war path.

Birds have flown into my head/face multiple times. This is not completely unfounded.

And no, I have not seen The Birds and I NEVER will. Why would I willingly submerge myself in my deepest fear without professional aid? The original Psycho scared me to death and Rear Window used to creep me out when I was younger. Hitchcock knows how to scare me WITHOUT my greatest fear.

So, yes, that is the only Hitchcock I will never see.

You like me! You really like me!

I'm afraid I have nothing interesting to talk about today.

"But Kaitlin", you ask, "how is that any different from any other post?"

Well, it's not. Except that I'm acknowledging it. And they say acknowledging you have a problem is the first step. I don't know what it's a step towards, but apparently I'm on a journey. I hope I packed clean underwear.

And that is a tangent that no one needed to experience.

I suppose I will just beguile you all with a list of my random thoughts. And by you all I mean me.

1. One of my best friends is coming to visit me (and other people) this weekend. I'm super excited. We are going to all the best (and by best I mean tastiest) places in Austin. One of the things we're doing is seeing Paranormal Activity. It's apparently the new Blair Witch Project and the scariest movie ever and blah blah blah. I am equal parts excited and terrified.

Scary movies and I have an awkward, sadistic relationship. The last scary movie I saw was Guillermo del Toro's The Orphanage and I watched it alone and it truly wasn't that scary. I clearly survived. The movie before that was The Strangers and it almost killed me. Like I went into dry heaves in the movie theatre.

Now, I am a STRONG believer in movie-watching ambiance. A scary movie in the theatre will ALWAYS be scarier than watching it in your dorm room. Or in sunlight. The people you watch horror films with are also very important. I hate watching with cynical people or with people who think you're lame if you get scared (unless it's a truly un-scary movie, like the remake of Psycho. You just don't touch Hitchcock, people ).

Anyway, The Strangers scarred me for life and if you don't think that movie is at least a little scary, then you need to watch it in the theatre with better people and A HUMAN SOUL. I saw it with my friend Rebekah and I made her sleep over with me for the next two nights. I am still afraid to look out windows at night and when I hear a knock on the door, my heart falls into my feet and my mouth goes dry. Even when I'm expecting the pizza man. AND I WILL NEVER, EVER STAY IN A PLACE WITH NO PEEPHOLE ON THE FRONT DOOR.

Hmmmhmmmm.

That was a long rambling way of saying that I may or may not survive this weekend.

2. I won an auction on eBay!!! I'd like to thank the academy... But I'd also like to point out how terrible I am in waiting for something to arrive in the mail. I will also be very upset if I die of fright before my beautiful purchase gets delivered.


3. My soul and body aches for Christmas so badly that I could cry just by thinking of the cheeriness and the chilliness and (woah, chilliness is a word...) a time in life when I don't have to worry about Michael Myers, paranormal activity, or strangers.

Because at Christmastime, there's no such thing as strangers!

Until they torture you to death and steal your eBay purchase. Then you can safely assume you didn't know them very well after all.

To Nap, or To Blog? I Choose Blog.

That's right. That's how committed I am to making this one of the most successful blogs...OF ALL TIME. Though not too committed, in case I still fail, and later need to retract my statement, claiming I always knew I was too cool for blogging, and thusly never really tried. But I digress...

Plus I really wanted to eat some hummus. And I can't really eat hummus while I nap. Which is simultaneously a huge shame and a blessing. Because how awesome would it be to never have to part from my one true love?? On the other hand, my waistline and my sense of decorum thank me, because how 1) fattening and 2) repulsive. Can you imagine someone eating in their sleep? Think of the smacking, the slurping, the burping! Oh, the horror, the horror! I would say I digress again, but I now realize I never had a point to this post to begin with, so it is impossible to stray from something you never had. Unless you count Tom Cruise going out of his mind. Because he did. And I doubt it was ever there anyways.

In any case, my roommate and I watched Footloose the other day. Mmmmmm. Kevin Bacon. I'm sad they're remaking it. It's too soon. And all those gratuitous dance scenes really speak to me, even though they are stylistically antiquated. (Do I sound smart now? Good, 'cause:)I'm, like, super bummed that Zac Efron dropped out of the remake!! Because I like, totally <3 him!!! ... And in conclusion, I'd like to say that dropping out of the remake was probably a wise career move, because, honestly? How many gratuitous dance scenes with Zac-y Poo... hmmhmm... Zac Efron does America need?? Well... probably a few more. You can bet on it (bet on it! Bet on it, bet on it!).

And now, to prove that I'm relevant and make you forget about the previous paragraph, I'd like to point out that as depressing as this sounds, I just don't see how the Israeli/Palestinian 2-State Solution will ever work. I may or may not (will not) expound upon my theories in a later post.

Seacrest out!

It's a Wonderful Life(time Movie)

Pros of Today: CHEESY Lifetime Movies, It's a Wonderful Life, Cinnasticks, and the soon-to-be enjoyment that is SNL (hosted by Hugh Laurie with musical guest, my african brother Kayne!)

Cons of Today: Studying... boooooo... Couldn't use my favorite mug for my coffee breaks because it was in the dishwasher... boooooo... I'm sore as $%^... boooooo.

But the pros by far outweigh the cons. Anyways, I teared up during all of the lame/wonderful movies I watched today. Which makes me feel AWESOME. haha

Did I ever mention how much of a loser I've become? I realize that studying for finals is a valid excuse... but still. I feel like I've fallen off the face of the Earth. I am floating in the nebulous, caramel-y center of the Milky Way, pondering the meaning of life, the things Jimmy Stewart does to my heart...

But I still feel like a super loser. But oh well. I learned my lesson from the holiday movies: Don't take anyone for granted. Some people in my life should maybe get a refresher in that course, and that's all I'm gonna say about that. :/

But enough melancholy emo. Let's party! And by party, of course, I mean study. And in closing, I'd like to congratulate Amy Poehler on a job well done. SNL won't be the same without you.

It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like CHRIIIIIIIIISTMAAAAAAAAAAS

Okay... not really. It's 70 degrees here.

Damn you, Texas. In other recent news, I just sneezed on my arm. That wasn't the news I intended to share, but it just happened. In other other news, I'm really stressing recently. Despite the fact that the semester is drawing to a close, and I have a 7-10 page paper due Friday that I've yet to start (Ha.), I'm trying to secure my living arrangements. Since Kendall doesn't know what she's doing next year, I find myself once again roommateless and hopeless. Although I'm working out an arrangement with my friend Ashley, nothing's set in stone and there are so many minute details and ultimately tons of apartment-complex BS that needs worked out... it's so depressing.

AND I'm trying to get all my stuff sorted out for LA in the summer and I just want to have a kickass internship, but nooooooooooo. Everyone has to give me conflicting information and whatnot. Okay, this isn't really that bad, and I still have 5 months to get everything arranged... but still. I'm in a complaining mood, and I want this to be resolved!!! Also I'm getting cute business cards printed to pass out in LA. I'm so excited. I will be like, giving them to craft services people, just because I will be so proud to have business cards. Cue dramatic scene where I find a discarded card (HA!) in the trashcan, as a single tear rolls down my cheek and I see my failed future flash before my eyes...

Also? I just want to write!!! And not my paper!!!!!!!! I haven't done anything remotely creative in roughly FOREVER!!!!!! (since helping Shane out with his short film, of course!) But I mean personally. However... this weekend I am taking an acting workshop with an unknown accomplice from Marco Perella, who had a recurring role on Walker, Texas Ranger and is a published author.

Yeah.
That's right. The guy met Chuck Norris.

I win :)

I Crack Myself UP!!!!!

So today is my last day of work. Thusly, I am not in the mood to work, nor is anyone making me/ expecting me to work. Thusly I went through some old emails in my mailbox. And I found the beginnings of a script I had COMPLETELY forgotten about... which is odd, as I LOVE(D) this one, and was uber excited about it... Anyway, now I have to decide what to write this year at school, as my goal is to complete and start trying to sell a script. Here are my options: (some of you will not have a clue to any of these, some of you I've told... whatever, this list is really for me, anyways)

1. Public Eye
2. Anabelle Gregory
3. Untitled Civil War Drama
4. Untitled Character Study of a Coffee Addict
5. High Education
6. Untitled Drama Dealing with the Relationship Between Sisters.
7. The Adaptation of My Short Story Stale Breadcrumbs

Sooooo... what to do, what to do? I've so many ideas!!! ick. Anyways, to clue you in on what I'm talking about... allow me to offer you this, the opening line of the kick-a script I found buried in Yahoo!


Public Eye
By: Kaitlin Wehlmann




CHARLIE (V.O.)
Things weren’t always bad with the missus. She used to bake me apple pie once upon a time. And then the twice-a-week charge at a local pie diner showed up on our credit card bill, and that was okay, too. To be honest, their pie was better, and I wasn’t going to let a little thing like marital bliss stand in the way of the perfect fusion of apples, cinnamon, nutmeg, and cloves. Susie always put too many cloves.


HAHAHAHA Seeeeeeeeeeee? Isn't that HILARIOUS?!?!???? no? just me? Oh well. I still love it and apologize for forgetting its existence.

The Hum of my Laptop Sounds Delightfully Like a Kitten

So I just (meaning an hour ago) got back from seeing "Mamma Mia!" and boy, oh, boy was it fantastic. Granted, musicals are pretty much the reason I live... but still. And Meryl Streep? I don't care what you say. She's HOT. Like woah. And she's 50-freakin'-9 (!!!). I love her. And I will be LUCKY to look even remotely as good as her when I'm 40, let alone 50-freakin'-9. She must wake up every morning saying, "Demi Moore can suck it!" Because I mean, sure, Demi got Ashton who woke up one day and decided to be really really hot, right when his marriage prevented us from eloping. But will Demi look as good as Meryl in 20 years? Negatory. Mostly because Demi divorced Bruce Willis and he is more than enough man for anyone and Love will smite her because one crazy biotch CANNOT have Ashton AND Bruce. Expect those crows to start digging their feet into her head pretty hard any day now. Which is actually a pretty sick mental image. ... The only person who beats Meryl Streep is Michelle Pfieffer (I spelled it right! First try!). Ok, people. Did you see "Hairspray"???? Because I was totally in love with her. "Stardust"? OMG( okay, not when she was like 198 and balding). Yes, I admit I'm in love with Michelle Pfieffer. And I don't care who knows it! But I digress...
The reason I'm writing so late (late for me, with a full-time summer job that sucks my soul. Not late for me, in college, who likes to go to sleep around 4 a.m.) is because AMC is on my shitlist. Ex. Cuse. Me. If you put 9:05 as a movie time, when I show up, there'd better be a FREAKIN' 9:05 start time listed in barely readable neon lights OR ELSE. Or else, when I arrive promptly at 8:45, weave through the crowd of Junior High (::shudders::) pimps and whores (uhhh... I mean boys and girls), fight my way to an automated ticket machine because the line is too long and there's a gross, pimply couple macking on each other and smearing their herpes onto the line divider, THERE'D BETTER A 9:05 SHOWING OR I WILL BE PISSED. But then I will get to waste an hour in Starbucks with Rebekah and pay exact change ($2.27!) for a Venti Iced Unsweetened Passionfruit Tea and I will be happy again. And then I will get to see the 10:10 showing of "Mamma Mia!" at Cinemark (where the seats at least recline a smidgen) and I will be back to my usual exuberant self.
And before you get all Neo-Nazi on me, let me just tell you that Starbucks (newsflash!) doesn't make the best coffee or tea. But hey, guess what? It's convenient. And guess what else? I still looooooooove it! I don't consume over priced beverages at the 'Bucks to support the man, for intrinsic value, or for the sake of consumerism (rah! rah! rah!) but rather because it's close, handy, comforting, and my usual one is relatively quiet. Anywho, I DID enjoy myself at a Starbucks! Wanna know why?

Kaitlin's List of the Top 5 Awesomes She and Bekah Did Whilst at Starbucks:

5) Wrote a parody of the Bon Qui Qui Video into a Christ-centered educational comedic video.
4) Sung our Favorite Veggie Tales Song.
3) Had a verbal ghetto fight using our hand puppets... you know, where you curl your hand into a fist and then move your thumb to simulate a mouth?
2) Sang (again. and quite loudly.) OK-Go's Cinnamon Lips.
1) Tide- Penned out the coffee stains on Rebekah's white sweater. One on her tummy and one on her bosom. And yes, I helped. And yes, if we didn't already frighten off the other patrons with our singing and raucous laughter, that did it.

Welcome to my life.